JOKE OF THE DAY

Staggering Drunk
Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he'd done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and his wife staring daggers at him from across the room.

She says, "So, you were staggering drunk last night Paddy, weren't you now?

Says Paddy, "Now why would you say such a thing?"

"Well," she says, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....... it's all the Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Speed Trap
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

Designated
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

NOW THAT WAS FUNNY THERE LEO LOL VERY GOOD ONE

I will try to keep them coming every day.................

THOSE ARE SOME PRETTY FUNNY JOKES LEO!!

Stolen Engine
A blonde woman is driving a Porsche and she sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road.

She stops to ask what's wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, and while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'

The other said, 'Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.'

Complaint
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word. Hoss said to the telegram man,"OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'." Why do you want to tell her that?” asked the telegram man. "Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)

A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

TGHAWKSFAN#1 wrote:

Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word. Hoss said to the telegram man,"OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'." Why do you want to tell her that?” asked the telegram man. "Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)

WOW TG THAT JOKE IS REALLY REALLY..........

OLD

ESCAPE CONVICT
Body: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you too!!

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Great Job
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

Toilet Pain
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

I don't know if this necessarily counts as a joke but I found it funny:

15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

And last but not least

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

VERY TRUE

Genre: Sport Jokes

The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."

"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. Then, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.

On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.

When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"

The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

An Antartian is standing at a vending machine putting money in the slot and collecting can after can after can of Coke. A bloke behind her is getting more and more impatient. 'For Christ's sake, hurry up!' he says. And she replies, 'Can't you see I'm winning?'

omg now thats funny